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Message started by kennycreed on 05/23/10 at 02:31:41

Title: Colonoscopy
Post by kennycreed on 05/23/10 at 02:31:41

Here's a copy of an email I received recently. I particularly liked point 13.

..........................

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

.................................

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by mick on 05/23/10 at 07:18:16

more great stuff,thanks for sharing.

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by Toymaker on 05/23/10 at 07:38:24

I know all this to be true, because my late dad commented on the "moviprep" stuff just like this....

All I can do is laugh and think of my old dad....

BTW..the morning of his exam, he was absolutely GREY in color.....and he normally had a rosey complexion..

All thanks to Moviprep

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by kimchris1 on 05/23/10 at 08:54:19

Have been thru this procedure. The solution I drank was named "go lightly" which should be called "go quickly".
I found mixing it with Sprite made it tolerable enuf to drink.

It was not the most pleasant experience, yet it helped in diagnosing some problems. This test can and does save lives.

Don't let the thought of the procedure keep you or your loved ones from having it done. Believe me their are worst experiences in life to go thru than this one..

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by Starlifter on 05/23/10 at 09:46:59

Good advice, and absolutly correct...and the procedure is not so bad.

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by Phelonius on 05/23/10 at 10:57:19

Been there, had that, PITA.

Phelonius >:(

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by suzi-q on 05/23/10 at 15:15:48

;D i told my dr. that its been a one way street for almost 60 yrs, he got a chuckle out of that.

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by mick on 05/23/10 at 16:43:58

I had one 20 years ago,pleeeeeze tel me I'm not due,I'm not am I ?

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by John_D FSO on 05/24/10 at 22:11:59

;D Thanks, that's the funniest thing I've read in weeks Kenny! Made my whole night.

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by Tanker2Biker on 05/25/10 at 04:30:40

It's really no big deal. I'm scheduled for my 5th one next month. Started when I turned 50 and the Dr. wanted to see me every year at first, then slacked off to every other year.

Heck, last year, while our son was still around the house to drive us, my wife and I went down on the same day and had them done one right after the other. Woke up in recovery next to one another.

Now theres a family activity!! ;D

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/25/10 at 06:15:57

Few Americans really needone, since they typically keep thatarea under continual surveillance

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by mick on 05/25/10 at 07:47:04

716E686F72754474447C6E62291B0 wrote:

Few Americans really needone, since they typically keep thatarea under continual surveillance

Justin where have you been boy ?
just yesterday in the news your favorite Doctor was mentioned.an English guy by all accounts,he is the one who got many people to quit having there children given shots.
any way he has been stripped of his licence ,and being deported back to England. Seems it was a scam,he was in cahoots with some crooked lawyers, they were all going to sue the drug company's, you remember now ?

Title: Re: Colonoscopy
Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/25/10 at 09:49:43

Anyone who opposes the big boys gets smeared. Its the rule.