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/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl General Category >> The Cafe >> things I've learned ...... /cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?num=1292281801 Message started by buttgoat1 on 12/13/10 at 15:10:00 |
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Title: things I've learned ...... Post by buttgoat1 on 12/13/10 at 15:10:00 As 2010 nears the end, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a bathroom door without using my foot or a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water because she doesn’t use her foot in the bathroom. I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I’m imagining what sort of peep show booth floor would be revealed to me under a black light. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat nuts in the glue on envelopes because now I use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open because rats nuts and f*ck on them in the warehouse. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick kid in England who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a NYC cab driver in August. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat while I’m paying inside. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their secret recipe. THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my tushy. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a butt f*cker waiting for me to bend over. I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. Oh, by the way….. A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity will read this with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late. P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY…………..AND A HEALTHY LIFE……………. author unknown |
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Title: Re: things I've learned ...... Post by prechermike on 12/13/10 at 18:26:15 You are very welcome! :) Actualy, I too hate those emails and make it a point to not forward them and usually have to check them out and reply with a link to the truth (if the truth is actually on the internet :-?) |
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Title: Re: things I've learned ...... Post by John_D FSO on 12/13/10 at 18:49:42 I'll forward some of them, but only the funny ones like this. ;D |
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Title: Re: things I've learned ...... Post by stinger on 12/14/10 at 00:29:28 i actually was thinking BUttGoat had a real serious problem and was telling us he was about to do his self in till I got to the bottom! HA! |
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Title: Re: things I've learned ...... Post by drharveys on 12/14/10 at 08:23:33 However, Coca Cola really does clean toilet bowls and/or remove rust from chrome. It contains phosphoric acid at a pH around 2.6 (2.5 when the Coke is flat), so it's a lot milder than Naval Jelly at pH 1. Stomach acid is hydrochloric acid at a pH between 2 and 3.5, which is why moderate quantities of Coke are OK, but you still shouldn't drink Naval Jelly! (If you're not a science nerd, pH measures acidity/alkalinity. Water is neutral at 7.0, lower numbers are acid, higher alkaline. It's a logarithmic scale, so 1.0 is, in scientific terms, a whole lot more acidic than 2.6. |
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Title: Re: things I've learned ...... Post by Angie on 12/14/10 at 10:37:40 OK, how many of us hand their hand on the their mouse...... ;D |
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Title: Re: things I've learned ...... Post by mick on 12/14/10 at 10:59:30 6A656C626E7B393C33320B0 wrote:
I'm usually typing (with my index finger) or drinking my tea.and then to the mouse.My left hand is useless. |
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Title: Re: things I've learned ...... Post by babyhog on 12/14/10 at 11:55:57 404F4648445113161918210 wrote:
I can't read without my hand on the mouse ;) |
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Title: Re: things I've learned ...... Post by LostArtist on 12/14/10 at 13:31:23 I'm busy, never know when the next thing will pop into my brain and I need the mouse to google it. :P |
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Title: Re: things I've learned ...... Post by mick on 12/14/10 at 14:38:47 242631373C3126393D3F31540 wrote:
Mike please don't drink holy water,you have no idea where those blessed fingers have been. |
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