As 2010 nears the end, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using my foot or a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water because she doesn’t use her foot in the bathroom.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I’m imagining what sort of peep show booth floor would be revealed to me under a black light.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat nuts in the glue on envelopes because now I use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open because rats nuts and f*ck on them in the warehouse.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick kid in England who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a NYC cab driver in August.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat while I’m paying inside.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their secret recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my tushy.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a butt f*cker waiting for me to bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

Oh, by the way….. A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity will read this with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY…………..AND A HEALTHY LIFE…………….

author unknown

I'll forward some of them, but only the funny ones like this.

However, Coca Cola really does clean toilet bowls and/or remove rust from chrome.  

It contains phosphoric acid at a pH around 2.6 (2.5 when the Coke is flat), so it's a lot milder than Naval Jelly at pH 1.  Stomach acid is hydrochloric acid at a pH between 2 and 3.5, which is why moderate quantities of Coke are OK, but you still shouldn't drink Naval Jelly!

(If you're not a science nerd, pH measures acidity/alkalinity.  Water is neutral at 7.0, lower numbers are acid, higher alkaline.  It's a logarithmic scale, so 1.0 is, in scientific terms, a whole lot more acidic than 2.6.

Angie wrote on 12/14/10 at 10:37:40:

I'm usually typing (with my index finger) or drinking my tea.and then to the mouse.My left hand is useless.

I'm busy, never know when the next thing will pop into my brain and I need the mouse to google it.