I would never criticize, demean or otherwise talk negatively about my wife to either of my girls, neither would I or have I done that to anyone else since all this went down 10 months ago ... I do not agree with what she's done and wish with all my heart that it didn't happen, but you don't talk smack about someone you love and care about. I'm not a religious person, but the vow love, honor and respect, for better and worse 'til death do part, I took seriously 22 years ago and still do ... I will discuss the situation with my daughter(s) one of these days when they are ready.

Ironically last summer after a visit with #1 daughter, she mentioned to her Mom that she was worried about me and was visibly upset ... next day wife emails me saying, "How dare I upset our daughter" ... like I did it to get at her or something?????????

I would never stomp ya for that opinion odmanout ... similar advice has been given me by others ... fact is, I've been told that in order for me to move on I WILL have to get angry at some point ... strangely that's an emotion I haven't experienced ... I've felt shock, numbness, sick to my stomach, fear, uncertainty, self-loathing, bone-crushing loneliness, loss, grief, apathy and probably a few other negative emotions since last February ... but anger hasn't been one of them? I honestly dunno what that sez about me ...

PerrydaSavage wrote on 01/05/11 at 17:35:47:

Not feeling angry doesn't seem all that odd to me.  I don't remember feeling particularly mad at my ex at the time, aside from the fact that she didn't have the decency to cut me loose before she started taking the next model for test drives.  Mostly like you said it was just shock and queasiness and so on.  To this day, the closest I've come to actually telling her off was to tell her that I hoped her and her new boyfriend treated each other the way they'd treated their spouses (both had committed adultery).  Satisfied my need to vent without losing my temper, and for once I left her speechless!

Yeah, it'll likely take a while for life to get back to normal, took me quite awhile to realize it wasn't the end of my life, and that I could actually have fun without her.  Finding a hobby or charity or whatever to help fill time helps a lot.  In my case it was OT at work, which wasn't the best thing, but it took my mind off stuff.

The point of this rambling?  I forget, but anyway, life goes on, and from looking at this post, you gotta lot of people to help you out, or just lend an ear.

Perry, I really appreciate the fact that you seem even tempered. Your wife may claim your daughter and even take her. I didn't get her age. Your wife is not being the caring, responsible, adult. Your daughter needs to know who is doing right. You need to be that person. Any attempts at revenge just make you look small. I have been married to the first, same, and only one for 34 years. And no, I don't roll over at the first sign of agression. I am the guy who whipped bullies in school for picking on the weak. You have my admiration for trying to do what is right. You have good instincts. Go with them. Your children need, at any age, to know they have a secure family. Be the caring, loving parent, even though it hurts.
I have a friend who is 40 years old. She has three daughters and is dying with Mesothelioma. Husband left. Her sister's son wrecked his truck and is paralyzed from the chest down. All this plus driving from Ms to Tx for cancer treatments. We have been helping her at home. I am due for an MRI today after 30+ yrs of severe back pain. Right foot quit last week--just don't work. I would love to have surgery and get well, but I know better. Been here before. Severely depressed. I know a month from now, I'll look at this in a different light. Life ain't fair. But it does have its moments. God bless you. I'll try to check back in when I can. Onward, upward, forward. Don't retreat into hate. Boofer  

Jeeze Boofer ... it is true that no matter how bad ya think your story is, there's always someone else who has it worse ... I hope that things work out for you too my buddy!

BTW Boof, my (natural) daughter is 20 yrs old, so is an adult and free to make her own choices. She has chosen to live with her Mom. I totally respect that and also realize that she finds it difficult being around me much these past months because she finds the situation weird and I'm really not "functioning" properly yet ...

Justin, Boofer ... agreed, anger is a short-term gratification emotion for the most part ... I can probably count the number of times in my life that I have actually been angry on one hand. Neither am I a vengeful person; revenge doesn't interest me. I am not perfect though, I do have my personality quirks (just like everyone else), but I really am not into confrontation for it's own sake. I do value, loyalty, honesty and respect ... the 3 core values of mine that seem to have been trampled thru all of this? All that said, I am a forgiving person ... I have never been able to hold a grudge ... I love my wife unconditionally and would forgive her if she'd give us a chance ...  but she is stubborn and has a lot of pride, so that is unlikely ... which is a real shame.

I also agree that most Psychologists are full of B.S.!! LOL!!

runwyrlph wrote on 01/06/11 at 15:33:34:

Been down that road, and what's been said is true... "last toll before exit".

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It might help if SHE went to a psychologists, but as a couple... I doubt it will help.

Counciling was one of the first things I suggested after she dropped "The Bomb" ... got an emphatic "NO" ... have since read on a few of the many websites devoted to marital break up, infidelity, mid-life crisis, etc. that 99% of the time a refusal by the walk-away spouse to engage in relationship counciling means that they are afraid of being "talked out of" their decision to end the relationship (which means that they may have doubts about their decision) or, they are already engaged in another relationship that has not been disclosed (meaning they are afraid of being found out and then having to answer questions about "why" they decided to have an affair in the first place). Not going to counciling allows the leaving spouse to walk away without actually having to face what they've done IMHO ...

As for reconciliation ... she came to me late last July and actually brought that up (it was immediately after she and her affair called it off) and at her suggestion, we had planned to attend a rock concert together the following weekend ... ironic because we met at a rock concert 25 years ago and continued to enjoy live music events together right up until a month or so before the split ... however a day or so before we were to go to the show, out of the blue, she called the "date" off and the ice curtain was lowered again and has not been raised since ...

No babyhog ... neither of us has filed for divorce ... in fact the word has yet to be mentioned between us. Here in Newfoundland most divorces are "no-fault" meaning all joint properties, assets, debts and the like are split 50/50 ... if child custody and/or child support isn't an issue. A divorce can be granted and issued by either partner after a legal separation of one year, non-contestable by the other party. Up here, you cannot legally argue infidelity, irreconcilable differences or anything like that as far as I know ... the cause of the split is legally irrelevant ...